Fat Harry Meats: The Cuban Brothers

Fat Harry Meats… The Cuban Brothers

The Brothers have just released an album called ‘Yo Bonita’. Of course it’s utterly amazing. If you’ve ever spent any time in the world of The Cuban Brothers then you know there is no-one else like them on the planet, their live shows are simply solid gold and everything they do is incredible. They could turn Prime Ministers questions into Club Tropicana within minutes; Glenda Jackson would swing through the chamber on a chandelier in a gimp mask and a pair of otter skin thigh high boots screaming that the drinks were free…

That’s the Cuban effect. I’m amazed they’ve allowed me the opportunity to interview Mike Cuban, to do it justice i’m only wearing a swimming cap, baby oil, speedos, marigolds and veruca slippers.

FH: Hi Mike, can I call you Mike? I feel I should call you Sir Mikeerino or the Love Bullet, I can’t call the funkiest, swingiest, hippest hoppiest chief Cuban Brother just Mike …that would be like saying “Budge up Jesus!” on the bus.

MC: Haraldo you beautifully teta’ed count…

FH: ……I don’t know what that means, but i’m aroused and if i’m not mistaken, possibly pregnant. Teta’s…do you mean ‘my potatoes’? I usually carry three with me, here look, this one looks like a…

MC: Teta’s is Spanish for tits Haraldo

FH: :blushes: Why thank you, it’s this unseasonably chilly weather. Mike Cuban/The Love Bullet, you are a Don, your legs exude more sex appeal than Barry White and Luther Vandross. How do you get up in the morning knowing that men and women and a myriad animals want to be in you?

MC: I never get up in the morning EVER so I don’t have this problem you are proffering…usually I can start being fellated around 3/3.30pm by whomever is present regardless of gender …I like to get up to get down then it’s into shower followed by a nice long bath that I share with my 7 Koi carp then back into the shower to scrub my naked body with pumice humous then it’s time for a bath a very long soak this time enjoying a few Rons (rum) to start the day then it’s straight up and into the shower to let the jets energise my fire-hazards …of course I’m then out, dried and into the bath to answer some of my fan mail from ladies of all generations but mostly the ones who tell me about the CHANGE and how it effects them.

FH: I knew you were a Koi carp kind of guy! :highfive: The Cuban Brothers are world renowned B-boy funsters and party block rockers, we’ve all been looking forward to the release of Yo Bonita if only to graze over it and pick out the one or two stand out tracks, but it’s not like that at all. There isn’t one track any less amazing than another and i’m not even blowing smoke up your bum. You must be just so damn proud! I listen to it and decide ‘this is definitely my favourite’ until the next tune comes on and i’m thinking ‘Nope, bugger! THIS is my favourite’ and so on, do you have a favourite?

MC: Gracias my over-generous in the cock department friend!

FH: Thanks fella but honestly, these speedos are of quite a generous cut…

MC: The songs are like children so to pick a favourite is very difficult as I wouldn’t want to upset myself or the tune itself …but let’s just say to get Kurtis Blow out of retirement and on “Roll call” was indeed a nice feeling and to have the father of rap on the joint with Abdominal MC and myself was beyond ILL.

FH: Did you get to share studio time with any of the legends? Just how did you snag them to appear on the album? Did you hang around outside their apartments with a van and ask them to help you in with a sofa like in Silence of the Lambs? “Omar puts on the lotion or Omar gets the hose” styleeee?

MC: All of the guests on the record I have respected as artists for some time and have appeared on the same bill at one time or another so they knew our styles and that regardless of the fun, physical nature of our Steez that we are music cats first and foremost, so after I had flown most of them around the world to record in Toolshed, The Wendy house and my own personal studio Miguelito’s Lab, everyone was relaxed and able to have a fantastic time recording and partying….I think you can hear that vibe on the record.

FH: It shines through, track after track. I imagine it’s the Koi carp effect, or your aura of rampant fertility. I’ve filed your album under a category i’ve called ‘Golden like a fox’, how on earth did you find such talented players?

MC: Blasssings!!! (said in Non ironic accent) this band I put together to tour with the Godfather .. Mr dynamite…Mr James Brown in 06 as I had snagged us the support for his Oz and Asia tour….amazingly. They are the best players in the UK in my opinion but are from all over; French Guyana, Barima Asante on keys; Germany, Magnus Box – my Ace on the Bass – all the cats are beyond dope and most of them were Amy Winehouse’s band god rest her soul, but mine first.

FH: :Removes swimming cap – bows low: Ultra respect. How did you not explode when people sent you their vocals? Dame Mica Paris’ voice alone would probably have made my spleen implode.

MC: She is the illest most powerful female vocalist this side of Aunty Jocelyn Brown and very warm and funny. I love Mica and as you say she kills it every time guy. Also Omar is one of my fave vocalists ever so to get him to bless the project was amazin tin crescenting.

I have a meeting right now so I’ll return to interview laters yes?

FH: That’s cool, i’ll put my cap back on and get a few laps in, try and sharpen up these pecs for the ladies.

MC: …Hello my friend

FH: Mike! Hola!

MC: Are you well potato man?

FH I can’t feel my arms…

MC: Here, look at these pictures of me in my pants…

FH: Pow! Strong stuff! Can you see a time when you can tour the album with the Brothers and the full live band? Because that is something the world must see.

MC: Yes friend! Next year i’ll take the full CB’s out on a world tour playing the worlds finest garden centres starting of at Hemi’s Flora in Rotorua New Zealand and taking in every major tropical plant vendor in both hemispheres…..I also think we’ll do a 15 date UK tour in normal venues just for the fun as there’s not much money floating about with 11 guys on the road who are all into drugs, gambling, whores and bonsai rearing! We will soon be coming in your town starting March 2014

FH: Have you ever punched a bear or had any kind of altercation with an animal?

MC: As far as fighting animals goes, I have wrestled a lot of dogs in my time…

FH: Me too

MC: …usually while defecating in someone ‘s garden while drunk. Hey, we’ve all done it brothers and sisters!

FH: Stooling! Super cool!

MC: But seriously, we are all animal lovers in Los Hermanos…apart from Kennny (Kengo-San) the bastard! He will just eat shit… not literally of course but he eats stuff thats still living or in its death throes… part of the Japanese culture apparently it’s why there was no future for his mother and I. She tried to serve me live crayfish after a pumping session in 81…I mean Jesu e Christu – to coin an english phrase – I like a laugh but i fuck’n hate a pantomime’ and well, you know, it was time to move on……Ostia!!!

FH: Credit where it’s due though, there’s not an ounce of fat on the fella and his barnet is shiny like Magnum PI’s chest. He’s fast too, snaps out the dance moves like a hungry snake…he’s probably eaten one of them too

MC: I was once bitten by a snake in Mexico but thats another story

FH: Do tell…

MC: Heraldo! Hush now, I can’t give too much away, it’s ALL in my book ‘Miguelito!!’ – The man, the myth, THE MAN’! Published by Firehazards in hardback.

FH: Top shelf material? 50 shades of Los Hermanos? Can’t wait! Miguel Cuban, thank you for your time, it’s been an absolute honour! Where can we catch you next?

MC: Look out for The Brothers in new Nick Frost movie ‘Cuban Fury’ out in February….and myself starring in ‘Sunshine on Leith’, Dexter Fletchers new film, playing Bronco.

FH: Will do. One last request. Can we moonwalk?

MC: One day my friend, but now I must fly. Muchos Respectos!

The Album ‘Yo Bonita’ http://www.junodownload.com/products/the-cuban-brothers-yo-bonita/2179312-02/

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Website: http://www.thecubanbrothers.com